It’s been a two-week hiatus from our Monday Night Football Grudenisms, and I apologize. You see, I’ve been keeled over in the fetal position ever since the Braves fell to the Dodgers. You know how it goes: food has no taste, every song is about heartbreak, and you can’t watch any sports-related TV, because the wounds are too fresh. After
a gentle prodding an ultimatum from Gamedayr’s editing team, Jon Gruden’s greatest weekly hits are back on the scene.
Might I say, this was quite possibly the worst game to jump back in with. Only three types of people watched this game: Giants fans, Vikings fans, and masochists. Only the masochists sat through the entire 60 minutes. Nevertheless, we got a few solid chimes from Gruden. Let’s see what Chucky was up to this week.
Grudenism: “We got a couple of good grinders.”
Couch Commentary: Can’t you just picture Gruden at the top floor of a club looking down on the dance floor? He spies a couple of hard twerkers and breaks down their style. No? It’s just me? Okay, moving on.
Grudenism: “Ground and pound is Rex Ryan’s style.”
Couch Commentary: It’s not the Jets style, only Rex’s. Isn’t he the cat that may-or-may-not have a foot fetish? Gru, are you going subliminal on us?
Grudenism: “I love watching a young back pound the rock.”
Couch Commentary: I missed the next eight minutes of the game because Gruden reminded me of a Johnny Cash song. It’s story was more compelling than the game. From the look of it, I didn’t miss much. Thanks for the break, coach.
Grudenism: “Arrowhead is so loud I can hear them in New Jersey.”
Couch Commentary: Those are just the voices in your head, coach. Beat ‘em back, Jon! Beat them back!
Grudenism: “Bob Sutton is grinding on offenses.”
Couch Commentary: Thank God the Chiefs don’t play Tampa Bay. Sutton might catch something.
Grudenism: “Watch Peyton Hillis leak out of the backfield.”
Couch Commentary: At least he wasn’t s***ing out of the backfield.
Grudenism: “Jason Pierre Paul reads Josh Freeman’s mail here.”
Couch Commentary: A federal offense!
Grudenism: “That’s a jerk route.”
Couch Commentary: In any other game that would sound mean.
Grudenism: “This is a game Minnesota could’ve won if they were functional at all.”
Couch Commentary: Thank you, Jon! You know it’s a bad game when commentators start getting ticked off.
Grudenism: “That’s Joe Webb … he’s the quarterback who started in the playoff game last year. They [Minnesota] have all four of their quarterbacks that they’ve used in their last seven games.”
Couch Commentary: What in the hell did you just say?
Grudenism: “I’m confused.”
Couch Commentary: Me,too, coach. Let’s pack it up and catch the rest at Hooters.
Couch Commentary: This game was so bad that the best thing to come out of it was a humorous SportsCenter highlight. Fingers crossed for next week.