Monday’s game between Seattle and St. Louis was one of those sneaky NFL games. It was basically 55 minutes of sloppy football (Seattle allowed as many sacks as they earned first downs: seven), followed by five exciting minutes to cap the game.
After sitting through nearly 120 minutes of garbage (carrying over from last week), Jon Gruden was a little punchy. Thank goodness for him, and us, the Rams made a game of it at the end. We were five minutes away from Gruden calling an audible and finding his beach.
Grudenism: This is just bad football.
Couch Commentary: Wait, what week is this again? I’m having déjà vu. (Link last week’s column)
Grudenism: (after the millionth bad play) That must not have been on the iPad.
Couch Commentary: Are you insinuating that these games would be better if players still used playbook binders? If so, I call BS.
Grudenism: (referring to Tavin Austin) The only way to break out of the shadow of Az Hakim, Torry Holt, and Isaac Bruce is to make big plays.
Couch Commentary: C’mon, Gruden. Az Hakim? We’re not exactly talking about Alworth, Swann, and Rice here. How big is this shadow you’re talking about?
Grudenism: (on Austin in the huddle) It sounds like Spanish in there. They’re saying all kinds of formations and buzzwords.
Couch Commentary: Is it really that confusing?
Couch Commentary: Yeah, I guess that’s pretty confusing.
Gruden: (to Gerry Austin) You just like sitting at red lights, don’t you?
Couch Commentary: Can’t trust those refs, Gru. Austin also likes: lines for roller coasters; 90-minute waits at restaurants; slow internet connections; people taking 28 groceries through the “10 items or less” lane; previews before the movies; and waiting rooms in doctor offices.
Grudenism: I have no idea what Tate was doing there.
Couch Commentary: He was waving and taunting, Jon. Snap out of it! That was a highlight.
Grudenism: You need to have the laces if you have small hands like me.
Couch Commentary: We call those “Whopper hands,” coach.
Grudenism: This is the last thing anyone expected to happen.
Couch Commentary: What did I miss? Did you know the World Series is on?
Grudenism: The Legion of Doom finishes off the Rams.
Couch Commentary: Legion of Doom?! I love those guys.
Grudenism: Legion of Boom or Legion of Doom, or whatever you want to call it.
Couch Commentary. Oh, you’re talking about football players. I thought you meant the wrestling tag team. It’s okay, coach, that’s literally the first time I’ve gotten excited in the last two weeks of Monday Night Football.