We all have that friend that thinks college football is rigged by people who hate their team. It’s a vast conspiracy theory encompassing everything from the schedule, to the rankings, to the bowl selections; all of which are in place to keep their beloved team stuck in obscurity. Well I have some good news, the bowl selection committees do not hate your team. They hate people. And this year they gave us the middle finger to show just how very much.
College football got the marquee matchup they’ve been dreaming of for years, behemoths Notre Dame and Alabama will square off for the championship in one of the only games worth watching. There are 35 bowl games this year. THIRTY-FIVE! That’s 70 teams with a chance to end their season with a victory. Unfortunately there are all of two games worth watching. Any marginal college football fan could have come up with better matchups: FSU takes on MAC-Monster Northern Illinois while in state rival, Florida, gets Louisville. One BCS buster is without their head coach, the Northern Illinois coach has already taken the NC State job (no I’m not going to google his name). Not that many people who haven’t attended these schools will be watching. Florida and Florida State make BCS Bowls only to be matched with the MAC and Big East champs. That’s neither interesting nor good business judgement. The bowl selection committee is Santa Claus and we just got our giant lump of coal, that very same kind a dog leaves in the yard. The bowl schedule is that present that nobody wants. If it was a sweater I would set it on fire, if it was a puppy it is the offspring of Cerberus and needs to be put down Old Yeller style. This bowl season is a white elephant gift and we can do nothing but complain. The 9th-circle of hell apparently doesn’t take returns or give store credit, thanks for leaving that part out Dante.
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If all the other bowls outside of the national title were selected at random, probability guarantees us more than the 2-or-3 watchable games we currently have. It stands to reason that these games were selected to spite us, the fans. With a playoff imminent, the bigwigs decided to act like jilted ex lovers and kick us right in the cherries (and to be politically correct: Ron Burgandy). I seriously don’t think I could watch some of these games if they were played on Kate Upton’s cleavage (challenge issued Kate).
Alas, we have a bowl slate so heinous I don’t think even binge drinking and gambling can improve it (that won’t stop me from trying). Listen, we all know there are too many bowls so they can’t all be great, too many 6-6 teams (this year 6-7 Georgia Tech is playing 7-5 USC in El Paso), and too many meaningless bowls have diluted the significance of going bowling for years. But that doesn’t mean we should avoid great matchups: Georgia was seconds from the title game with Notre Dame, instead they get Big Ten disappointment Nebraska in the Capital One Bowl, fresh off embarrassing themselves against 8-5 Wisconsin. Remember the triple OT thriller we watched between Penn State/Joe Pa (pre-scandal) and FSU/Bowden (post-senility)? I’ve always loved bowl season, big matchups between prominent programs that don’t normally play each other spaced out over a month of the holiday season. I barely even have to acknowledge family. But today, I have no idea how I’ll survive from now until 2013. Probably a lot of this: Bloody Mary. I’ve always wanted a playoff, let the top 4-or-8 teams decide everything on the field in games that can currently be seen exclusively on Xbox. Now that we’re getting one, the bitter and petulant selection committee decided to punish us the best way they can: awful games they know we’ll still watch. Hell hath no fury right? I’ll be measuring the days until K State v Oregon via eggnog consumption.
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