It’s kickoff time in the college football world. That means it’s time we introduce you, the erstwhile member of Gamedayr Nation, to the most accurate predictions system in all the land — 60-percet of the time, it works every time (if this happens to be true, we are selling this fool proof system to Vegas and will be writing you from Fiji).
So what exactly are Paul’s Picks? Do you remember that completely ridiculous show on Discovery, Animal Face-Off, that pitted two animals in a battle to the death? You know, that show that lasted 12 episodes. In case you need a little refeshing, enjoy this epic battle between a lion and crocodile.
We decided to take the success (read: lack thereof) of Animal Face-Off and apply it to college football picks each and every week. Just to amp it up a bit, we channelled the spirit of famed World Cup oracle, Paul the Octopus, hence the name Paul’s Picks.
You are probably asking yourself, what in the world are they saying right now? It’s actually pretty simple and there is no real strategy behind it.
What if games were settled by mascots fighting to the death, rather than players on the field? Each week we will pit the two mascots of a game against each other, determine who would win in a real-life throw down, and boom, there you have it, Paul’s Pick.
At the end of every week we will gauge how Paul did against some of the experts in the industry. Basically, be prepared for total domination.
Enough talking, time for some science.
UNC at South Carolina
Rams are strong, but they could never catch a rooster. Gamecocks spur the Tar Heels.
Winner: South Carolina
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
This one comes down to home turf. A man walking in the woods gets eaten by a bear. A bear in the water is blown up by the Commodore’s ship.
Miss St. at OKSU
Cowboys have guns. Pistol Pete guns down any canines in his way. Game over.
Buffalo at Ohio St.
Bulls are herbivores. A buckeye is a plant rooted in the ground. This is the best possible matchup for Buffalo. The Bulls feast.
Toledo at Florida
Never ever ever bring a gator to a rocket fight. No contest.
Rice at Texas A&M
Apparently collies can be trained to hunt birds. Owls in this case classify as birds.
ND at Temple
Feathers fly when a drunken Irishman starts to fight. Factor in that owls are nocturnal (this game is at 3:30) and it’ll be Owl stew washed down with a pint of Guinness.
Alabama vs. VT
An enormous pachyderm squaring off against a neutered turkey. Hmm … Squash.
Ohio at Louisville
A Bobcat eats the bird, the nest, the whole damn thing. Bobcats mow down on the Cardinals.
New Mexico St at Texas
It may take a couple extra rounds, but NM State’s Pistol Pete eventually downs Bevo with his six-shooters.
Winner: New Mexico St.
UGA at Clemson
Gotta love the fight in bulldogs … just not against a tiger. Tigers maul the Dawgs.
LSU vs. TCU
It’s a Frog versus a Tiger. Although they are poisonous, it’s still a Tiger! No further explaination needed.
Boise St at Washington
Paul is a big Jack London fan. White Fang in a romp.
Northwestern at Cal
Google: cat vs. bear. The Internet never lies.
[Photo Credit: John David Mercer, John David Mercer -USA TODAY Sports]