Alabama issues statement on players’ alleged use of deer spray before BCS title game

Alabama Crimson Tide defensive lineman Quinton Dial (90) prior to the game against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish during the 2013 BCS Championship game at Sun Life Stadium. Alabama won 42-14. (Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports)

With Super Bowl XLVII fast approaching, absolutely everything related to championship football has been put under the most intense of metaphorical microscopes.

Under so much scrutiny, something was bound to come out — some scandal. However, no one expected it would be accusations of performance enhancing drugs on the part of Baltimore Ravens legend Ray Lewis.

[Related >> Ray Lewis might just grow antlers before the big game]

Or that several members of the BCS national championship-winning Alabama Crimson Tide had gotten their young hands on the deer spray first.

Yes, deer spray.

Christopher Key, co-owner of SWATS, claims to have sold bottles of deer spray to about 20 Tide players prior to the team’s title game grudge-match against LSU. He told the players that IGF-1, a derivative of Human Growth Hormone, occurs naturally in the human body but in far greater amounts in deer. Thus, spray the stuff under one’s tongue will result in faster recovery times and increased muscular endurance.

“Nothing we offer them will make them fail a drug test,” Key said, when asked about the substance being banned by the NCAA. “This will make you heal faster. This will give you nutrients. There have been many clinical studies.”

Obviously, the guy is a complete fraud. He named names as well, implicating Quinton Dial, Adrian Hubbard and several others. On the evening before the title game, he hosted many in a hotel room, selling them on the stuff while coaches slept.

“You’re familiar with HGH, correct? It’s converted in the liver to IGF-1,” Key explained, according to the Sports Illustrated report. “IGF-1, or insulin-like growth factor, is a natural, anabolic hormone that stimulates muscle growth. We have deer that we harvest out of New Zealand. Their antlers are the fastest-growing substance on planet Earth … because of the high concentration of IGF-1.

“We’ve been able to freeze dry that out, extract it, put it in a sublingual spray that you shake for 20 seconds and then spray three [times] under your tongue. … This stuff has been around for almost 1,000 years, this is stuff from the Chinese,” Key said, according to Sports Illustrated.

Alabama communications, obviously, could not be more upset with the situation, and issued a statement on Key’s extremely questionable practice and his exceedingly unethical sales pitch.

“UA has been aware of this situation for some time, and we have monitored this company for several years. They have twice ignored cease-and-desist letters sent by our compliance office. We have maintained consistent education of our student-athletes regarding the substances in question and will continue to do so.”

Obviously, the university, despite its efforts to keep players away from slimy men such as Key, has failed on some level — which, of course, got us here at Gamedayr thinking.

How else could members of the Tide enhanced their potential performance against LSU, sans deer spray? Was there any way of upping their level of play without running the risk of sprouting antlers bid-BCS title game?

Why, of course there was:

  • Wheaties — duh, haven’t you ever seen the commercials?
  • Whatever Hulk Hogan was eating that day — or whatever his daughter was munching on.
  • Watch 300 just prior to kickoff — steroids in a film
  • Paint their faces half-blue
  • Real men wear kilts, not cups
  • Electro-shock therapy on the sidelines — no chemicals to test for there, just a really confused sideline reporter
  • Skip the coffee, have you seen all the things that guy can do on that Five Hour Energy commercial? Play guitar, skydiving, etc? The only thing left would be to win a national title, right?
  • Venison
  • More Venison!
  • One more bite of delicious venison
  • Put a helmet on Chuck Norris and sub him in at any position he chooses
MORE: 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick is leaving the deer spray at home, choosing Red Robin instead