Aaron Hernandez is the latest pickup for the NFL All-Arrest Team
Aaron Hernandez’s arrest Wednesday morning got us thinking about other notable NFL players with legal history. So, in honor of Johnny Law, we present to you the All-NFL Arrest Squad. The list has been compiled just as the All-Pro team would be, meaning there are actually 12 spots on offense. Is there anyone we missed? Let us know in the comments.
Quarterback: Michael Vick
Right out of the gate, a stunner. Vick had some stiff competition. Steve McNair was an MVP. Ken Stabler was a Super Bowl champion. Still, I say Vick was the best of the lot. When all is said and done, his career will ultimately be viewed as a bust. However, he was a transcendent player. I still see Vick jerseys around Atlanta. Killing puppies and sitting in jail will derail even the greatest athletes’ careers.
Running Back: OJ Simpson
He was the second funniest guy in the Naked Gun films. He once rode down the LA freeway with a gun to his head. His trial captivated a nation and helped Leno climb to the top of late night (Dancing Itos). He penned a book titled "If I Did It", explaining how he would’ve killed Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman -- you know, if he had done it. He’s in the clink now for robbery and kidnapping. Oh, and once upon a time he won the Heisman, rushed for over 2,000 yards in a season, and was second all-time in career rushing yards.
Running Back: Jamal Lewis
Rushing for 2,000 yards must be bad luck. Lewis was a beast in his heyday, going for 295 yards in a single game. In 2004 he was charged conspiracy and intent to traffic cocaine. Yikes.
Fullback: Jim Brown
An all-time great, Brown was a wrecking ball on the field. He was the original man among boys. A multi-sport athlete, Brown also excelled at lacrosse for Syracuse. Unfortunately Brown’s aggression carried over off the field. He was arrested for breaking all the windows of his wife’s car and threatening her life.
Wide Receiver: Michael Irvin
Of all his run-ins with the law, my favorite is Irvin’s 1996 arrest. When police crashed his 30th birthday party, Michael Irvin was allegedly snorting cocaine off a stripper’s breast. As Rick James can attest, cocaine is a helluva drug
Wide Receiver: Randy Moss
Wide Receiver was a tough position. With all the divas, you can imagine the backlog of great talents with rap sheets. I’m taking Moss as our WR2. Like Vick and Brown, Moss was presented talent never before seen in the NFL. His go-to play with quarterbacks was simple: Just count to five and throw the ball as far as you can. In 2002 he hit a patrol officer with his car and then was found with a little bud in the ashtray.
Tight End: Mark Chmura
This is was another difficult choice. I was tempted to go with Kellen “I’m a f*cking soldier” Winslow, but we’re throwing back to the '90s. People may not remember how great Chewy was. He was the life vest for a young Brett Favre during Packers legend's three-straight MVP seasons. In 2000 Chmura was arrested for sexually assaulting his family’s 17-year old babysitter at a post-prom party. Pretty slimy.
Offensive Tackle: Willie Roaf
A Hall of Famer with the Saints and Chiefs, Roaf picked up a DUI in 2002. It’s not banging-your-underage-babysitter bad, but still a bad offense. DUIs are too commonplace these days.
Offensive Tackle: Bryant McKinnie
Two good ones here. First is the Vikings Love Boat Scandal—prostitutes and boats? Yes, please. The second is a nightclub brawl where McKinnie picked up a pole and nailed a bouncer with it. From lover to fighter. Come on, Bryant, why don’t you purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
Offensive Guard: Nate Newton
What do you do when you’re a bored, retired Pro Bowl lineman? How about traffic 213 pounds of marijuana. What do you do when you haven’t learned your lesson from last month’s arrest? How about push another 175 pounds. That’s some heavy lifting for a heavy guy.
Offensive Guard: Marco Rivera
Longtime Packer was on the practice field during Green Bay’s 1996 Super Bowl run. In 2000 he pled guilty to DUI and speeding. Another DUI. Seriously, guys, hasn’t anyone talked with Leonard Little?
Center: Mike Webster
Center is a pretty clean position. I’m guessing because it’s so cerebral. Our starting Center is Steelers HOFer Mike Webster. While protecting Terry Bradshaw during Pittsburgh’s run in the 1970s Webster took a beating. He was eventually diagnosed with CTE—a neurological disease. In1999 he was arrested for illegal possession of Ritalin.
Defensive End: Bruce Smith
When I think of Smith I think of straight power. Wikipedia says he’s known as “The Sack Man” both on and off the field. Not sure what that off the field stuff is about, but Smith has two DUIs under his belt. Take a cab, Bruce. Take a cab.
Defensive End: Jevon Kearse
This may seem like a Florida homer pick, but at his peak Kearse was, well, The Freak. Smith gives us power, Kearse gives us speed. And we know both our Ends like to party. Kearse also has a DUI on the record. Like Smith, he refused to blow in the breathalyzer—that’s a veteran Florida move: Never blow.
Defensive Tackle: Warren Sapp
Sapp is a crazy guy. I don’t know from experience—thank goodness, because he’s been arrested for domestic battery—but judging from his public persona, he’s a bit off. Doesn’t he seem like the guy you sit next to at the bar who’s laughing one minute, crying the next, and then blacked out fighting the bouncer the next. I had a roommate like this one time.
Defensive Tackle: John Tackle
If our D-Ends are the partiers, our D-Tackles are the fighters. Randle has domestic abuse arrests in both Texas and Minnesota. Talk about a pair of scary wife beaters. Think I’ll be at the bar with Kearse and Smith, and then catch a cab home.
Linebacker: Lawrence Taylor
With all due respect to the other positions, linebacker is the No. 1 bat-crap crazy position. Exhibit A: Lawrence Taylor.
Quote 1, on having sex with a minor: “I still like the chase, but like to stack the deck in my favor … I don’t want to work too hard.”
Quote 2, on police: “They would almost throw cops in jail when they tried to arrest me.”
Linebacker: Ray Lewis
My buddy Dave gets hyped whenever Ray does his dance. True story: He will actually march around the room, pick people up, flex, yell, and throw stuff at the wall. I don’t get it. Lewis scares the hell out of me. I lived in Baltimore and he embodies the city perfectly: A dude who will potentially beat the shit out of you and then eat a big hunk of grass, while standing over your pulverized body. Baltimore: Charm City
Linebacker: Junior Seau
I’m not going to speak ill of the dead. Seau was arrested for domestic violence and then drove his car off a 100-foot cliff — and lived. He later took his own life. Helluva player, helluva decline.
Cornerback: Deion Sanders
Mental note: Don’t heckle Deon at the next NFL pregame show, or he may fight you. Most of Neon Deon’s arrests took place when he was much younger. His most recent brush with the law resulted in Sanders’ estranged wife getting jailed for assault. Apparently Deon can both give and take a punch.
Cornerback: Charles Woodson
This one almost went to Ty Law. He has a perfect name for this column—I love puns—and more Super Bowls. But Woodson has had a better career and more arrests. One is for impaired driving: inexcusable. The second arrest, we can be more forgiving. Woodson was picked up for being drunk in public in Oakland. Seriously, who’s not drunk in public over there? Have you ever been to Oakland? Drinking makes you feel better about being on the wrong side of the Bay.
Safety: Sean Taylor
Again, I’m not here to speak ill of the dead, but Taylor had a checkered past before his sad, premature death. He had both a DUI and an armed assault charge on the docket. The guy hit like a Mack Truck on the field.
Safety: Eugene Robinson
Like Center, Safety was a tough position to find dirt. I’ll just say this: If this team has a weak link, it’s Robinson. If we lose a game it’s because Robinson, celebrating his Bart Starr award for high moral character, has been picked up for soliciting a prostitute mere hours before our game.
Kicker: Sebastian Janikowski
Oh, Seabass. Bribing cops, date rapes, and DUI’s. Insert "Polish", "Kicker", or "FSU" joke here. Low hanging fruit, and I won’t bite. Or who knows, maybe GHB and Polish vodka is the recipe for a 63-yarder.
Returner: Dave Meggett
Super Bowl champ, two-time Pro Bowler, three-tme All-Pro. His trial resulted in a hung jury after beating an escort due to a 3-way gone bad, and 30 years on a rape and burglary charge. Wikipedia says he’s one of Bill Parcells’ favorite players. Er, may want to change that, Tuna.
Coach: Mike Ditka
Iron Mike was hanging out a little too much with Bill Swerski’s Super Fans. He collected a DWI in 1985 after a game with the 49ers. Turns out all it took to take down Coach was a few too many brewskies.
Owner: Eddie DeBartolo Jr.
Blue-collar players do blue-collar crimes. White-collar owners do white-collar crimes. DeBartolo was guilty of failing to report a felony in the extortion case against former Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards. He’d be proud to own this team.