Florida Gators football: Offsides

Speaking from the viewpoint of a male Gators fan (or succinctly, the “right” viewpoint) an intense, internal conflict often arises upon seeing an attractive lady in the wrong garb (if you can imagine such a faux pas). On the one hand there is no excuse –  none whatsoever. But on the other, the sensible and accepting part of my brain rationalizes that it’s not important what is on her clothes but what is underneath them. She is, after all, a person, and much more complex and intricate than just her choice in football teams. This choice is, let’s face it, much more important than the presidential election.

‘Plus she probably isn’t even a ‘real’ fan’, your tiny reptilian brain whines. ‘I’ve spent countless hours and energy researching and following and cheering for MY team. Is she as passionate as a regular fan or does she just think those colors look good?’

Note that “passionate” means acting in a manner that would embarrass a lunatic:

“Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the right — no, the duty — to make a complete a** of myself.”—Homer Simpson (my hero on the male view of sports)

[ezjw url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDpzJk3X020″ ]

Rules for Rivalry Hookups

Let’s face it, if someone is hot enough nobody cares who they cheer for. I definitely don’t care about politics or religion and probably not much else if she doesn’t spit in my face when I say “Hi”. There are obviously several factors to consider when determining whether hooking up with an enemy is acceptable. Is it a tale of love and romance, classic and beautiful like Romeo and Juliet, Westside Story, or Mean Girls? Or just simply wrong in all respects, like this dude:

The relevant factors are (clearly) Hotness, Geography, and Rivalry Intensity.

Hotness:  This is obvious. You cannot betray your loyalty for an average or slightly above average paramour. She must be smoking hot: The more acidic the rivalry, the hotter she must be. At least a seven on the 1-10 scale for any bitter rival, and beer goggles aren’t an exception or excuse. But an attractive enough person can make you forget virtually anything and is definitely forgivable. Don’t worry, your friends will let you know if that person is hot enough to cross the line. And let’s face it, the other two categories are just to kill time.

Geography:  Location, location, location. If you’re on the road for the game or a neutral site, or if you happen to live in enemy territory, then it becomes more acceptable to sleep behind enemy lines. This situation possibly even becomes preferable if you are road tripping and sleeping in a crowded car with other guys. A home game is adequate but contingent on the hotness of the girl AND she must outweigh the native options (in attractiveness not actual weight).

More from Joe >> The True Measure of a Rivalry 

Rivalry Intensity:  Some boundaries are acceptable to cross and some are not. A Red Sox fan should never date a Yankees fan. It is disgusting and wrong — an unholy union created in some backwater of hell that must be destroyed. I’m not suggesting we deport or incarcerate all Yankees and Sox fans but I’m not ruling it out, either.

But the fact remains, the more intense the rivalry, the higher someone has to rate on the hotness scale. Getting back to the Gators, a Tennessee fan has to approach Kate Upton level (not possible without having all her teeth so probably not possible at all) or your must be options severely limited – i.e., a Gator moving to a dirty, refuse heap. The Indians had a name for such a place: Tallahassee.

The attractiveness factor is obviously the most important and can easily outweigh the other two. If you’ve seen Underworld, Cowboys and Aliens, or Bedazzled then I feel bad for you. If you’ve seen all three more than once like I have then I feel really bad for you, but you can understand the point: In the first film Kate Beckinsale plays a vampire who wears leather and kills everybody, in the second, SPOILER: Olivia Wilde plays an alien, and in the third Elizabeth Hurley plays the devil. The only one I would even hesitate in considering a romantic encounter is Hurley but she’s a nice devil at the end so it’d be a yes. The heart of the matter is that if I can rationalize a vampire, alien and the devil, and I’m not the only one (women, we men are simple creatures), then there is hope for love between rivals.

I’m so full of warm fuzzies that I think I’ll go hug someone now.

With that being said let me rate the hottest rival fan bases for the Florida Gators.

Hottest Rival fan bases for the Gators

1. FSU – It’s close but it manages to best its football-superior competition in one respect. I mean, we’re only human.


2. UGA – The southern accent, sundresses and the fact that you meet them at the Cocktail Party where they expect to lose…

And Ms. World USA pushes them ahead of their SEC brethren











3. LSU – They party on Bourbon Street and look like this:

Just don’t ask them to spell “go”                                                                   

4. Alabama

I like them better sans houndstooth









5. Miami:

Almost makes me want to play them every year. Almost.

  • http://www.facebook.com/troy.foster.374 Troy Foster

    I’M glad you didn’t put Tennessee in that list!