We brought you the NBA All-Hair Team and so it was only fair that the follicly challenged get their own team. It was much harder to find guys without hair, but here’s a list that I think everyone get enjoy. I couldn’t un-retire Sam Cassell for this one, but it still promises to entertain and certainly cause some controversy.
Point Guard: Jarrett Jack
Stats: 45.2 FG%, 12.9 PPG, 40.4 3P%, 5.6 APG
These would be nice stats for a lot of starting point guards in the league, but Jack is doing this off the bench. Having Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson to pass to has certainly taken most of the pressure off him that he had on his previous teams, the (former) Pelicans and Trailblazers. He has given the Golden State Warriors a huge boost at the guard position and can play both guard spots, which gives coach/preacher Mark Jackson lots of flexibility on offense and makes the game plan very unpredictable. Jack also has one of the prettiest and shiniest domes in the entire league too. There has to be some waxing going on because it seems like there is a reflection off it while watching on TV. The Warrior’s bright yellow uniform too, might have played a factor but there’s a good chance wax played a role.
Shooting Guard: Vince Carter
Stats: 43.5 FG%, 40.6 3P%, 13.4 PPG, 4.1 RPG
Vinsanity is not quite as athletic as he used to be, but he has still been able to be an effective scorer off the bench for the Mavericks in the twilight of his career. He even has shown glimpses of his former glory this year. However, nothing will beat that glorious 2000 dunk contest where he absolutely annihilates the competition. VC went from a vicious ‘fro in his early playing days to his new bald and bearded look that certainly makes him look older and mature- something that may have gotten him a championship ring.
Small Forward: Corey Brewer
Stats: 12.1 PPG, 1.4 SPG, 42.5 FG%
The small forward position was the hardest to find someone who was truly bald. Among them there is no other guy who has embraced being a baldy better than Corey Brewer. In fact, he has become the complete opposite guy from his time at Florida.
Instead of rocking a ‘fro on his head, he’s got one on his chin. His numbers may not look very good, but he has gotten considerably better with Denver since his time in Minnesota and is now the guy in the NBA who has the most “leak-out” baskets and relishes the opportunity to dunk on shorter guys in transition (or at least on Derek Fisher).
Power Forward: David West
Stats: 17.1 PPG, 49.8 FG%, 7.7 RPG, 2.9 APG
West has been the enforcer Indiana has needed for awhile. He was one of the main reasons Indiana beat the Knicks and took the Heat to seven games in the Eastern Conference Finals. His tough demeanor is only fortified by his lack of hair and awesome goatee that intimidates even the feistiest of opponents. He has always been a leader on the floor and has acted as a mentor for young teammates like Roy Hibbert who is blossoming on the big stage as well.
Center: Kevin Garnett
Stats: 14.8 PPG, 7.8 RPG, 49.6 FG%, 1.1 SPG, 0.9 BPG
KG has been bald since he entered the league as one of the most highly-touted high schoolers of the mid 90’s. He has also been a perennial All-Star (earning the honor 14 times) since about that time. He has survived two lock-outs over the course of his career and continues to play at a high level for the Celtics (as there wasn’t much choice due to injuries). He has been an anchor for the team and one of the few consistent things about that it. He carried a heavy load once Rajon Rondo went out and has had to deal with the departure of Ray Allen.
Point Guard: Jerryd Bayless
Stats: 8.7 PPG, 3.3 APG, 35.3 3P%, 41.9 FG%
His stats may not say much, but he was a driving force off the bench for the Memphis Grizzlies during the playoffs. He did what head coach Lionel Hollins needed him to and was a release for starter Mike Conley Jr. However, he wasn’t quite the punch to get the Grizz over the hump as they got swept in the franchise’s first Conference Finals appearance. Along with a bald dome, he rocks a chinstrap beard all the way up to his headband. Hopefully he can come back next season and improve upon his numbers a bit.
Shooting Guard: Ray “Jesus Shuttlesworth” Allen
Stats: 10.9 PPG, 44.9 FG%, 41.9 3P%, 2.7 RPG
This season has been Ray Ray’s lowest scoring one in his career, but he’s been doing it on a team that is going to their third straight NBA Finals. The man who stared as Denzel Washington’s fictional son in He Got Game doesn’t mind coming off the bench to nail some 3-point daggers here and there as long as he doesn’t have to hear Reggie Miller complain about it. Allen gets the ultimate joy of being able to shoot when he’s open (which is often) and not really have to play defense since he is guarding the other team’s back-up shooting guard or even point guard. Ray Allen accepted his baldness a long time ago and it’s worked out for him pretty well. He got a championship ring, he became the league’s all-time leader in 3-pointers made. Now he’s teaming up with a (literal and figurative) All-Star team of nick named players including Chirs “Boshasaurus “Bosh”, Dwayne “Old Flash” (like Jay Garrick Flash for you comic fans) Wade and LeBron “The King” James to go for a second ring.
Small Forward: Quincy Pondexter
Stats: 6.4 PPG, 42.8 FG%, 39.5 3P%, 2.2 RPG
His stats may not be impressive, but again it’s the curse of the bald small forwards. It’s a position that is very trendy right now and so teams can’t afford to be paying guys who don’t have any hair to style. However, Pondexter proved himself in the playoffs upping his averages to 8.9 points per game and he shot 45.3% from beyond the arc. He gave smaller defenders fits on the defensive end and took advantage of his speed on bigger defenders. He was also a big boost for the Grizz in their match-up with the Spurs, almost bringing games back on his own, hitting three after three. At only 24 he has a bright future.
Power Forward: Carlos Boozer
Stats: 16.2 PPG, 9.8 RPG, 47.7 FG%, 2.3 APG
The “Booze Cruise” almost averaged a double-double by default with all the injuries to the Chicago Bulls this year. It didn’t help that Derrick Rose, who would have likely given Boozer easy buckets all season. However, Booz managed to lead the team past the Brooklyn Nets in the first round of the playoffs and even helped take a game away from the Heat. The muscles bulging out of his bald head certainly helped intimidate his opponents.
Center: Marcin Gortat
Stats: 11.1 PPG, 8.5 RPG, 52.1 FG%, 1.6 BPG
“The Polish Hammer” really came into his own last season once he got to start on a regular basis after he was traded from Orlando to Phoenix before the start of the 2010 season. He looked great with two-time MVP Steve Nash while playing for the Suns and still looked that way when Goran Dragic took over. His pick-and-pop game is impeccable and has gotten better as he improved his 15-18 foot jumper. However, he got his nickname for his monstrous slams, not his lack of hair. He was injured for some of the season, which would explain why he didn’t average the double-double he did last year (15.4 and 10). However, he will look to be a stabilizing force for a team in flux and he has the chance to become a star for the Phoenix Suns.