If you were under a rock, or mapping out your Memorial Day pub crawl, you may have missed that Johnny Manziel is wrapped up in a frivolous lawsuit. It’s a pretty far out there hoax (though is a legitimately filed suit) whose amount of penis jokes is rivaled only by poor grammar. In an effort to save you from wading through the rambling nightmare that somehow entered into our justice system, here are the wildest allegations from the hoax.
- Manziel sent dick pics of his penis in a hot dog bun, while saying “ho, ho, ho.”
- Manziel wants a threesome with Dr. Drew and the accuser, Samantha Schacher
- Manziel measures his erect penis with a ruler (not a tape measurer) and it comes in at a robust 4.5 inches (below average, according to this handy site).
- Manziel wants accuser to strip at LeBron James’ house.
- Manziel got drunk on Halloween 2013.
- Manziel is going to get cock enlargement surgery and be called Long John Silver.
- Manziel took steroids and smoked Mary Jane before Texas A&M games.
- Manziel refers to his pecker as a Vienna Sausage.
- Kevin Sumlin gives out money for sex toys.
- Some dude named Judereon Clowney has a 9-inch dick that Manziel frequently gets Skype messages of.
- Manziel has a fetish with small penis porn and would love to shower with Jason Collins.
- Manziel knows just the right way to jingle his wang during the It’s A Small World ride at Disney World.
Your legal system at work, folks.