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Home | Sports | College / NCAA |

Newcomer’s Guide to SEC Football: Get to Know the Crazy Fans


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A newcomer's guide to the mighty SEC...

A newcomer's guide to the mighty SEC...

Welcome to the SEC, Missouri and Texas A&M! Grab some barbeque, a light beer, and pull down the tailgate, "you gone get some learnin’ today."

First and foremost, you need to know who you’re up against in terms of crazy fandom. Rumor has it; you guys think you know football. That’s adorable. So before you start making a fool of yourself, here’s what you need to know.

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The SEC West. Welcome, Texas A&M.

The SEC West. Welcome, Texas A&M.
You drew the short stick. You will be actively competing with Arkansas for mediocrity and if you’re lucky, LSU and Alabama will each have the flu for 12 weeks, in which case you can have your shot at a division title. Don’t count on it though. Here’s the fraternal order you belong to...
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Alabama

Alabama

Mascot: An elephant, for some reason.

Should you hate them? Yes, absolutely.

Bio: If you’re lucky enough to find a Bama fan with most of their teeth, they will be quick to point out they have no idea how many National Championship they have. Bama fans just know they have the most. They will claim every National Title not nailed down. You know their history is full of "BS" when no one can keep the story straight as to how many championships they’ve won. And in the state of Alabama, a Heisman Trophy doesn’t matter - much like dental hygiene.

Best joke: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a light bulb? About 75,000. One to change the bulb, and 74,999 to stand around and talk about how great the old one used to be.

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Arkansas

Arkansas

Mascot: A hog. Remember, YOU chose to join this conference.

Should you hate them? Probably.

Bio: They haven’t been relevant in over three decades and their head coach just got fired for what used to be considered a fun night in Arkansas (new Bobby Petrino Direct TV commercial, photo included). Since joining the SEC in 1992, they’ve made it to the SEC Championship game three times, where they have been outscored 102 - 34. Bobby Petrino, their recently-disgraced former-head coach, is their winningest coach since joining the SEC. And he went 17-15 in conference play. At some point, you’ll forget they even exist until they show up on your schedule.

Best joke: Their mascot is a 400 pound pig. Nothing offends these people.

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Auburn

Auburn

Mascot: A tiger and I guess an eagle?

Should you hate them? Yup.

Bio: Auburn’s best season was just a few years ago. And because Alabama hates Auburn, the Crimson Tide went and one-upped them the very next year, effectively rescinding Auburn’s right to brag about anything ever again. Some fans are quick to state that Auburn is the 13th winningest football program in history and somehow that matters (Tennessee is 11th, so really think about how little it matters). Don’t ask them to explain the eagle - they don’t know either.

Best joke: When a minor fire broke out at Auburn’s football dorms, about 20 books had been lost in the fire. This prompted Steve Spurrier to reply “the real tragedy is that 15 of them had not been colored yet.” Still one of my favorite zingers.

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LSU

LSU

Mascot: Another tiger.

Should you hate them? Yes, asbolutely.

Bio: First, realize you WILL lose to them in the most spectacularly strange way possible. It’s happened to everyone. Rules do not apply to them. When Alabama’s not winning the West, look to LSU to swing in and take it. Their fans are known for their ‘corn-dog smell’ though I’ve never got so close to smell one. Their biggest embarrassment came last year when they beat Alabama in the wrong game.

Best joke: What do you get when you put 32 LSU cheerleaders in a room? A full set of teeth.

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Mississippi State

Mississippi State

Mascot: Bulldogs (Yeah, we’ve got two of them too)

Should you hate them? Meh.

Bio: They won the West once! How long ago? The top grossing film of that year was Armageddon. They bang cowbells for some reason - but it usually stops by the 3rd quarter when they’re down by three scores. Their biggest game of the year comes when they play their arch-rival Ole Miss in what is nauseatingly called the ‘Egg Bowl.’ You now know everything a Mississippi State graduate knows.

Best joke: Did you hear Pearl Jam will be playing at Davis Wade Stadium? They’re 10-point favorites.

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Ole Miss

Ole Miss

Mascot: A racist A bear

Should you hate them? Probably.

Bio: Sweet Lord, there is no sadder team in the SEC West. When Houston Nutt was hired in 2007 as head coach, he said “the way you spell fun is W-I-N.” The Rebels never had fun since. In 2011, Nutt’s last year, the Rebels went 2-10 and 0-8 in conference play, including a 31-3 thrashing from rival Mississippi State. Not sure what’s sadder, that, or the fact that their official colors are “Yale Blue” and “Harvard Red.” C’mon, guys, get real.

Best joke: What’s the difference between Rice Krispies and the Ole Miss Football team? Rice Krispies go to a bowl.

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SEC East. Welcome, Missouri.

SEC East. Welcome, Missouri.
I see you’re also known as the Tigers. The good news is you’re going to be hard pressed to come in last in this division. The bad news is, you probably will at some point. But on the plus side of it all, you get to visit some really neat stadiums. Meet your brethren...
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Florida

Florida

Mascot: Gator (Seriously spelled and pronounced that way)

Should you hate them? Yes, absolutely.

Bio: They won two National Championships in three years and they will never let you forget that. Also, Jesus attended class there a few years ago and even won a Heisman. You are also not allowed to forget that. Realize however that since Urban Meyer left, the whole program looks like the Red Cross should be on hand and you apparently can’t throw a rock without hitting a pothead. You will sweat your balls off at every game you attend, even in November.

Best joke: What do you call 11 Florida Football players in a huddle? A drug circle.

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Georgia

Georgia

Mascot: The Bulldogs (or just Dawgs, depending on which inbred you ask)

Should you hate them? Yup.

Bio: Fewer fans in this world are as obnoxious as Georgia Bulldog fans. Sure, Alabama, Florida, and LSU fans are equally as bad, but they’ve all won at least two National Championships in the past 30 years. Georgia won two as well, but you probably weren’t alive then. Still, that doesn’t stop a Dawg fan from barking like their team just won it all last year. Their mascot is named Uga, a joke in and of itself, and their head coach only performs well when he’s about to get canned.

Best joke: Why does the St. Johns River flow north? 'Cause Georgia sucks.

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Kentucky

Kentucky

Mascot: Wildcat

Should you hate them? Why would you?

Bio: This team is adorable. I assume every team in the SEC fist pumps when they see they have Kentucky on their schedule. Currently, Florida has beaten them 26 times in a row. Meaning no one on either team’s roster was alive the last time Kentucky beat Florida. It’s the longest active, continual butt whoopin\' in college football. Losing to Kentucky is like striking out with a fat chick. It will ruin your year.

Best joke: What’s 100 yards long and has 12 teeth? Front row at Commonwealth Stadium.

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South Carolina

South Carolina

Mascot: Gamecock (Too easy)

Should you hate them? Probably.

Bio: They actually won the East back in 2010 for the first time, so give them a pat on the back. They’ve gone to 17 bowl games and almost won six of them. If it weren’t for the acquisition of Steve Spurrier in 2005, their entry would be very similar to Kentucky’s. But the Ol’ Ball Coach has lifted the Cocks from low-level conference fodder, to the mighty mediocre bunch of misfits you see today. If they were to make a trophy room of all their accomplishments in football, they’d have to include a suicide hotline number because that room would be really depressing.

Best joke: Know why Steve Spurrier wears a visor? To cover the circumcision scar.

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Tennessee

Tennessee

Mascot: Volunteers (So if you know anyone with some free time, send them over)

Should you hate them? Probably.

Bio: Tennessee is forever stuck in the year 1998. That was the last time they won anything of importance. They claim six National Titles, but only one since 1968. They’ve gone through head coaches more often than they change underwear. Frankly, their head coach needs a job at FEMA. I’ve never seen a stadium of 100,000 people evacuate in three hours.

Best joke: Derek Dooley.

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Vanderbilt

Vanderbilt

Mascot: A Commodore or something?

Should you hate them? Why would you?

Bio: I frankly forgot these guys even existed. I can’t think of the last time they had a winning conference record. Consider these guys your safety net of embarrassment. Lucky for them, no hot girls attend their school, so they won’t be distracted while completing their physics paper. Nerds.

Best joke: Their record.

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