As a card-carrying alumnus of the University of Florida and a sportswriter it is my obligation, nay, my duty to pump out a column on St. Timothy’s new gig. Rather than dissecting the prospects of Tebow unseating Brady, let’s keep it simple. Here are the winners and losers of New England’s latest acquisition.
This is a no-brainer. Tebow went from outhouse to penthouse with this deal. Not only is he once more gainfully employed; he’s playing for the best coach in the NFL. Playing for Belichick is the best possible scenario for Tebow. People rave about his creativity and multitude of schemes, but things go much deeper. Belichick wants football players. Sure Tebow signed as a quarterback, but he’ll find a place on the field at some other position. Troy Brown was a receiver until the Pats ran out of defensive backs; then he played in the secondary. Aaron Hernandez is a tight end, yet he occasionally plays out of the backfield. If five Super Bowls and three Lombardi Trophies aren’t enough to convince Tim that he should scrap the QB pipedream, then the man is too dense for his own good. He’s been plagued with underachieving coaches for his entire professional career. Now he gets to sit across from a guy who beat John Fox for a championship, and who plays in Super Bowls while Rex Ryan makes fetish videos. Plus, Tebow is reunited with Josh McDaniels, the only coach who liked his game, and he has absolutely no chance of becoming QB1—hence, no QB controversy. This is the absolute best-case scenario for Tim Tebow’s professional football career.
Loser: CFL, AFL, and Storm Stoppers
Tebow is a draw wherever he goes. Instead of playing backup to some disgruntled French-Canadian. Instead of playing in reserve for the Omaha Beef. Instead of chucking footballs at window treatments for $30,000, Tebow gets to stay where he belongs. He was an eyelash away from becoming the world’s next great sideshow. Bet let’s be honest, watching Tebow in the Arena League would’ve been like watching Geronimo sign autographs at the 1904 World’s Fair. Okay, maybe not that strange, but still pretty odd. I still hope he takes the hurricane shutter gig, though.
Winner: Bill Belichick
Sure, Bielichick gets another versatile toy, but there’s more to his win. He loves to keep his team vacuum-sealed, and now he’s added the league’s most polarizing player. How much pleasure is he going to get keeping the media away from Tebow? It’ll nearly be as good as a W, right? Sometimes I think Coach Belichick does things out of boredom, or maybe an eff you to onlookers. This is a great middle finger to the press, as well as a power play to rest of the NFL, showing how locked down the Pats camp really is.
Loser: Rex Ryan
This could be the death-knell for Sexin’ Rex Ryan. The next 16 games could be his last as coach. He has a new QB controversy. Now his botched experiment has moved to the team’s archrival. Imagine Tebow doing well. Belichick gets the most out of Tebow, whereas he spoiled under Ryan. The best case for Ryan is Tebow does the absolute same as he did in New York. But that just leaves Ryan with the new controversy—sub out the God-fearing man, sub in the potential head case. I’m calling it now: we will see a jump pass touchdown against the Jets.
Winner: Urban Meyer
While recruiting Tim Tebow, offensive coordinator Dan Mullen told Coach Urban Meyer that Tebow would change their program. Meyer was suspicious of hyperbole. Urb then converted into a believer. Tebow elevated Meyer from hot prospect and offensive guru, to the best head coach of his generation—yeah I said it, Saban be damned. The longer Tebow stays relevant, the easier Meyer’s recruiting is. In fact, things are looking up for Urban. Alex Smith has finally come around, Tebow is still in the league, and Braxton Miller is a preseason Heisman Favorite. As the spread option continues to gain popularity in the NFL, Meyer will have first pick at any athletic high school quarterback. As long as Tim Tebow plays in the league Urban Meyer will benefit.
Loser: John Elway
Elway is, shall we say, not a fan of Tim Tebow. Bill Belichick begs to differ. If Timmy comes to play he can make Elway look very foolish. I love stupid statistics that have very little relevance. Here’s one: Tebow has more playoff wins in the past three years than Peyton Manning. It’s a stupid stat, but hey, it could win you a bar bet against somebody. Here’s something more pertinent: Manning is nearly finished. He’s competitive as hell, but his career is nearly done. The Broncos are about to go on another hunt for franchise QB. Couldn’t Elway have played nice, gotten Manning, and had Tebow learn from the veteran? I like to think so. If Tebow materializes, or even has an impact on a championship team, Elway comes out like a dog. As with Rex Ryan, anything Tebow does moderately well will make Elway look foolish. I’m going to call a Tebullrush TD on November 24.
Winner: Boston Media
Congrats, Boson sportswriters, you now have a surefire article every day of the year. This should be the easiest season of your life. Tebow and Brady make for a media field day. If nothing else, it should be fun trying to get Belichick to crack. I’m a tinge jealous.
Loser: New York Media
No Tebow, No A-Rod, Jeets is still out. It’s a tough road in NYC right now. I guess they still have the Sanchize, but, meh. That’s low-hanging fruit. Maybe Geno Smith will turn some good headlines. Still, losing Tebow to Boston, that’s got to hurt as badly as dropping four straight to the Sox in 2004.
Winner: Skip Bayless
This how I picture it: Bayless, sleeping in his hyperbaric chamber, hears the news. He looks over the world like the Grinch upon Whoville. All of a sudden … A smile cracks through where once there were snivels. It starts at his nose and moves down to his chin, for it’s time to herald our savior St. Tim. He bypasses the treadmill and goes straight to First Take, orgasming over the arguments he’d make. Tim’s bigger, he’s faster, he’s stronger, he’s trimmer. Finally he’s paired with a coach that’s a winner. Stephen A. best not try me, Skip said with joker-like sneer. There’s no room for his brand of blasphemy here. I’m Skip Bayless and dammit I’m right. Everyone loves me, for I’m witty and bright. Thank you Darth Hoodie for bringing back Tim. Without him my arguments were running quite thin. Skip started sweating and began to sway. On June 10 his heart grew three times that day. Yeah, that sounds about right for ‘ol Skipper.
Loser: Merril Hoge
Just when he thinks he’s out … they pull him back in. Another year, another round of Tebow debates. Poor Hogey. He lords over one ESPN’s best shows, NFL Matchup, and nobody notices. He gives one diatribe against Tim, and makes national news. Now he has to watch more tape and spend more time talking about a guy who’s game he abhors. It’s a sad day in the Hodge household. I wonder if he blames Jaworski for offering Tebow an Arena League slot and keeping the dream alive.
Who’s ready for the 2013 edition of Tebowing? Let’s get a shot of everyone Tebowing on the Green Monster. Boston Stong meets Tebowing. Oh. My. Science.
Loser: Grumpy Cat
You had a good run, Grumpy. Word has it they may make a movie about you. Time to step aside and let Tebowing reclaim its rightful spot as most popular internet meme.
Loser: FSU fans, UT fans, UGA fans, and Angry Sportscasters
Tebow is polarizing. Some people really don’t like the dude. He promotes vitriol. The above schools hate him for dominating. The angry sportscasters like to yell loudly about “overrated” athletes. That’s the way of the world, folks.
Winner: Everyone else
I couldn’t be happier for Tebow. Hopefully he and his coaches work out ways to get him on the field beyond quarterbacking. I’m tired of hearing negative press on athletes. Yesterday I read the entire transcript of a college player’s attempted rape of his girlfriend—that was depressing. My favorite basketball program’s star got arrested with a ton of weed and a handgun—both sad and stupid. Ochocinco was jailed for slapping his lawyer on the ass, but not for head-butting his girlfriend—what the what? The more Tebow the better. I love positive stories. We need more good people to generate headlines. Tebow heading to Massachusetts after they suffered such terrible tragedy is a great storyline. This signing is a great change of pace for professional sports. Normally scofflaws are kept around because of their physical attributes. Here, a mechanically flawed player gets another chance because he’s a genuinely decent person. It’s great when sports rewards integrity.