Tebow for Hire: Possible Jobs for Tim Tebow’s Future

Jags fans want Tebow, but the new GM says no way. (Rob Foldy-USA TODAY Sports)

“People often wonder how I can handle the constant pressure and criticism…”

It’s a virtual certainty that the Jets are going to part ways with Tim Tebow, which is a very good thing. Rex Ryan annoyed everyone for months on end after acquiring the popular QB. Rex promised Tebow/Wildcat packages to compliment Sanchez’s pro style and wreak havoc on opposing defenses that would have to prepare two game-plans.  It was going to be like having a penguin servant AND a monkey bartender.

[Hey Elway, how do you like Tim Tebow now?]

Of course, said offense never existed; Rex Ryan just likes to hear his name a lot. He loves it more than he loves food. The Jets were a train wreck even by their particularly low and depressing standards. The offense was a crime against nature, like if you mated the above monkey and penguin.

Yes, Rex Ryan pontificated endlessly for months on end about Tebow and Sanchez and the “Wildcat” because he’s a giant windbag but what came from it was worse: a vast and endless army of commentators and analysts flocked to Jets training camp like Twilight fan girls, the product of which was a picture of Tebow running shirtless in the rain a la Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Followed of course by Tebow playing sparingly and the Jets barely playing at all to the chagrin of the Tebow faithful (who wanted him to play to see him win) and the Tebow doubters (who wanted to see him fall on his face, Sanchez’s position). This led to incessant and endless breakdown of nothing, since Tebow virtually never played. Yet somehow the speculation and scrutiny ran the gamut of emotions from contempt to loving adoration and of intelligence, from the asinine to the slightly less worthless. So with Tebow about to be on the move, hopefully after he and teammate Cromartie have a philosophical discussion about marriage and procreation, here’s a list of possible destinations AND a few career alternatives:


  • Jacksonville: (UPDATE: New GM says Tebow will not be on the Jags) This makes the most sense and it should have already happened. Their two QBs are Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne, there’s MJD and young talented WRs Justin Blackmon and Cecil Shorts, and the most important aspect: ticket sales. Have you ever seen a Jags game? Probably not. But Tim brings immediate attention and hope for the team that might otherwise be in LA soon.
  • Minnesota:  This is just something I’d personally like to see. Ponder is horrendous, Peterson is the closest thing I’ve ever seen to a living deity and it would reunite Tim with former teammate and current playmaker Percy Harvin. Hell, I might not even want Tebow to throw ever, just run the option with Harvin and AP and laugh maniacally. If you think that wouldn’t work in the NFL remember that currently 10 guys try to tackle AP on every play and that doesn’t work.
  • KC– They have two QB’s that aren’t as good as Tebow, he’d be in the same division as Elway and the Broncos, and people might actually care about Chiefs football. Or at least watch.
  • Philly– the worst fans on the planet meet the guy that’s never said anything bad about anyone. Ever. Maybe Tim will say something un-nice and not PG after they pelt him with batteries and probably road kill before he ever takes a snap.
  • Pats- don’t stop reading yet just stay with me. He will not supplant Brady. There would never be a controversy. BUT. Bill Belichick likes Tebow. What’s more, he knows how to use talented players and get the most out of them. Tim could become the new Danny Woodhead and work on his throwing mechanics behind golden boy Brady. Plus maybe one of Gisele’s friends will make Tim reconsider that virginity pledge.
  • Montreal– Canada? The Alouettes have the rights to Tebow for the CFL (did anyone know Canada could do that? Sneaky French bastards). Tim being in the CFL would mean that he would have to throw all the time since there are only 3 downs. Tebow haters and fans would both love to see this since it would be proof one way or the other on his ability to be a passing QB. I think everyone would love for Skip Bayless, Stephen A Smith and especially Merrill (“I hated Tebow before it was cool”) Hoge to shut up either way. Je l’aime

My Take on Hoge

And if the NFL and CFL aren’t calling:

MMA fighter– Timmy already trains like a madman. Anyone who has seen his workout regimen knows that it’s already comparable to a cage fighter. So his workout and athleticism are already there plus roughly half the population would love to see him get his Bible touting face stomped on. He could fight Herschel Walker, the rival Bulldog and mma fighter whose rushing td record he broke in college.

Pro Wrestler – Wrestling thrives on conflict and drama. And men pummeling each other in their underwear. Guys spend years cultivating their image as a heel or hero. Tebow is already both depending on who you’re talking to.

And of course if none of those workout there’s always the boring and low key endorsement, modeling, and broadcast jobs.

And then there’s reality shows: Dancing with Tebow

NY Jets coach admits to poor use of Tebow